Welcome, have a seat. Having a bad day? Well, I hope you feel a bit better about yourself after listening to me and my list of awkward situations because that’s the point of this entire Blog (why am I like this).
So, to ease you gently into my Hilarious Joke of a Life, this particular post will be the first installment to Reasons Why Nimika Is An Awkward Human Being. That really helps my self esteem, that does.
Talking on the phone. This is probably one of the most awkward processes that I have to go through in my day to day life, and that’s saying a lot because my awkward history is way bigger than your Google search history, and that’s saying a lot too.
Talking on the phone for me is like standing on the edge of a precipice- if I don’t fill in every two second awkward silence, then I’m going to fall and I’m not even going to die because dying would be pretty damn fantastic at that point; no, I’m just going to keep falling down into the vortex of awkwardness, ready to swallow me up because my existence isn’t awkward enough. I can literally just talk on the phone to two people in my entire life without feeling awkward, and those are two of my closest friends.
Let me first clarify that it’s not that I don’t want to talk to people; I’m pretty good at talking to people in person; but when I talk on phone, it’s like a scary race, in which I’m competing against myself to keep talking. Especially, with family members. Seriously, you can’t imagine my expression and the internal terrified trauma I go through every time my Mom walks towards me with the phone pressed against her ear, telling the other person on the line, “Alright, I’m going to give the phone to Nimika, now.”
Already, my mind starts racing at high speed, listing down all the things I need to say to the other person. Basically, by the end of the conversation, all I can achieve is the Really Cheerful Greeting- “Hi, Auntie!” and “Namaste, chachi!” . That’s literally all I can pull off that doesn’t label me as a Socially Inept Person.
Allow me to walk you through the awkward process that is a phone call for me:
The Very Successful Cheerful Greeting:
Now, the start of the conversation is easy. There’s the whole “How are you doing??” and “What have you been up to?” when you just have to wait for the other person to speak. Even that I can’t handle properly because while the other person is talking, my mind is deciding on the next question which I’m going to ask and so, I’m not really paying attention to what the person is saying. I’m not proud of it, but this is what I go through.
Descend Into The Abyss of Awkwardness:
That’s when the conversation slowly descends into the Abyss of Awkwardness. Off goes all the things that I want to avoid but, of course, end up doing anyway.
- That part when both the people speak at the same time. Now, this happens to a lot of people but, with me, it’s magnified because I fall into one of those categories of people who keep asking the other person to repeat themselves (“I’m sorry, what?” *person repeats* “umm, what?” *person repeats again but you have freaking deaf ears* “Rightttt” *person keeps waiting because they asked a question* “I’m sorry, can the Earth open up and swallow me?”). So, now you have to answer what the other person said and repeat what you said.
- The part where you have no idea what to say. Cue awkward silence. In spite of your running-at-high-speed-brain, you finally reach that part of the conversation where you don’t have anything to say. Now, normally, I’m the kind of person who likes the quiet and silence. I’m totally okay (sometimes, more than okay) with not talking, but I’m also the kind of person who’s always been encountered with awkward silences and people who feel the need to fill them with conversation. Lucky me. But, on phone, I just can’t take the awkward silences. Even if the other person is totally cool with it, I’m hyperventilating. That’s when I really, really wish that the Apocalypse would grace humanity with its presence, or maybe I’ll fall down the stairs or something just so I have a good reason as to why I’m not talking.
Now, what I’m going to say is something I really, really need to work on. I have this thing: When I’m basically panicking because I have no idea where this conversation is going- I. Disconnect. The. Call.
Yes, I just disconnect. And, of course, when the person calls back again I come up with a lame excuse such as “I dropped the phone” or it got disconnected “accidentally”. Most of the time, they seem to buy it. But it’s just even more awkward.
To top off the fact that I don’t know how to speak like a normal person, I don’t know how to end the conversation, either. That’s mostly because when a family member calls, I’m the last person my Mom hands the phone to so I can’t pass it on to someone else. My brother shares this awkward trait with me, and we kind of have this internal race as to who gets the phone first when we can’t avoid the conversation (*cue Mom’s widened-eyed-stern-look which says “YOU HAVE TO TALK”*). I end up telling other person that I’ll call back later just when he/she asks another question. Perfect.
So, there you go! This is why I’m going to die alone because I can’t talk to other people on phone, which is apparently very important to stay connected and in contact. It’s not even like this is genetic because both my parents- especially my Mom- are Social rockstars (Oh my God, I just used the term “Social Rockstars”; feel free to eviscerate me). My Mom can basically strike up a conversation with a total stranger, and ten minutes later, you’ll hear them debating about carpets or some shit like that.
This is as anti-social as it can get, but I prefer texting far more, just because I can open up a lot if I don’t hyperventilate about falling into the Abyss of Awkwardness every time someone talks to me.
I would conclude this by casually pointing out how you might now have an idea about how fun this process is for me just by the number of times I’ve said “Awkward” in this article.