my obsession with documentation, i guess

time running out scares me. 

ironic, because i’m really intensely good at procrastinating- or maybe because of it? i don’t know.  growing up makes me feel like i’m running out of time- which i am, but not in a “lol i’m going to die soon” way, more in a… “i’m only seventeen once and that’s not gonna last forever” way. 

i’m constantly thinking about doing things that i’ll remember, things that’ll bookmark this age, this time, this chapter in my life. and i know it sounds sappy, but stay with me.  

every single day is such a mindblowing blur. whether it’s my every day schedule or even if i’m doing something slightly different- the end line is, i’ll forget it in time. and i’m okay with that. i kind of have to be.

and then there are the days when i feel really, really down because of this exact thing- like right now. my birthday is in two months and i’m going to be 18 and i). excuse me how does one officially adult and ii). nimika doth protest too much. 

i read a lot of books. i’m kind of obsessed with them. (*she says on her book blog*.) so, when i’m constantly reading about these people my age going out there, doing things, learning stuff, falling in love, having a great time (*cough* or being tortured to death, tbh *cough*)- i feel like i’m just existing.

i’m not saying i want to fight monsters or go on a random ass mission to save the world- not that i’d complain but i’ll trip over air and fall on my own sword so there’s that- but i’d… i don’t know, i’d like to remember.

because on days like these, i can scroll down my gallery and look at all these pictures: a random close up shot of my coffee or breakfast, loads of pictures of my friends and me in the backseat of a car, making ridiculous faces; pictures of sunsets and my shoes or school trips or trolley rides in grocery stores; nightovers, behind the scenes bookstagrams, pizzas. 

hell, just me reading some of my older blog posts where i’m ranting talking about school, studies, music, good days, concerts, “existential” crisis (i’m not even kidding, i got a bit… emotional… one day and wrote a whole post questioning how the fuck we’re alive in a time where bread exists. i refuse to acknowledge its existence). 

the key word here is: documentation. i’m obsessed with documentation. because, yeah, it makes me feel more concrete when i look back at all these memories. even if i’m just going to keep growing up against my wishes (rude) and even if time keeps running out (the nerve), at least i know that some memories will be preserved. 

and i want to keep on doing this. when i go off to college, the new city or my room or the new people and whatever glamorous/ugly details i have to share: i want them safe. 

i know our generation is accused of being obsessed with documentation and i don’t know if it’s healthy or not but it does make me feel better knowing that the highlights of my life are with me even when i’m moving forward.

i was watching videos of tyler joseph (one of my favorite singers and songwriters) back when he was 18 or 19, making music in his basement with his friends. the videos looked liked they were being filmed on a potato and he looked like a tiny, adorable bean- but you get how goddamn important those videos must be? because a decade later, it was what he did back then that made him what he is now. and that part of his life is also documented. 

then there is christine riccio- she was one of the first booktubers- and she made videos when she was in college, ranting about books quietly in her bedroom, making silly skits with her roommates, vlogging about classes and i want that. i want that because it’s intensely comforting to know that my life until now isn’t just made up of events that happened and then were forgotten but also of times that are remembered and alive, even if it’s just in a picture, a video or a diary entry.

even now, i don’t think i’m describing this well. it’s something like this: all the videos i make, pictures i take, blog posts i write (about my life or bread or books)- all of these things make up a security blanket for me to fall back on. something that reassures me that ‘hey, remember when you did this?’ isn’t completely lost. 

all right, i’m going to stop ranting now but there is one last thing that i just realized: i think i always get “time-paranoid” whenever my birthday is near because i did an almost same “freaking out about time” post last year just a couple of days from now where i basically freaked out about turning 17. it’s called I’m Almost Not Sixteen and i almost don’t really want any of you to read it because i’m so. cringey. but here’s a real fun screenshot from that post: 

i’m happy to announce that i haven’t changed one (1) bit, except the pajamas i’m wearing right now have those “zzz” verbalized snoring noises on them.

me coming to terms with my current situation

i’m gonna go.

if you got this far, thank you. 

bye. 

my dumbass listened to this song at midnight when i turned 17 why the frick am i so sappy

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13 thoughts on “my obsession with documentation, i guess”

  1. Can I just ksksbdjak. I mean the other day I was showing my brother some pictures that I took and then he pressed the back button and was like “do u even use your camera?” Coz the last picture I took was 2 flipping months ago. I can’t. I do have a fear of change and passing time (excuse my brilliant expressiveness ahem)
    And yet I just can’t. Click selfies and take Normal pictures becoz my self-esteem isn’t having any of that not-caring-how-you-look attitude. And I’ve literally spent all these precious moments with frnds and family and yet I don’t have anything but glimpses of memories which I have to dig through to remember and it pains me to know that years later I’ll be sitting somewhere wanting to see all of these again and saying ahhhhh right I don’t have anything.. it’s just djjeisbvxj. Rant complete. Thankyou for this post. πŸ’™πŸ’šβ€οΈ

    Liked by 1 person

    1. ok but you commenting here made me so happy so here is a virtual hug, kitten.

      real talk, sis, fear of change and passing time is the coldest anxiety hole in our heads which keeps stressing us out bc some things just suck, end of story.

      but you know what? maybe not taking pictures as intensely as i do makes you enjoy the moment and the experience even more. you’re just enjoying the time and that’s completely okay. you can always start opening up a bit more and take a random, memorable picture now and then. πŸ’›

      thank YOU for taking the time to (always) read my posts.

      Like

      1. YAAAAAY **hugs back tightly**
        Yeaaaaahh πŸ™‚
        And honey you don’t have to thank me for reading your posts they are just that good that anyone wud want to read them HuihuihuiπŸ’šπŸ’š

        Liked by 1 person

    2. Okay, so I literally don’t know you but that thing you said about self esteem and not being able to take selfies? Honestly same. I have missed out on capturing a lot of special moments because of this. So now I have made alternatives to keeping memory of things that are special to me. If you can’t take pictures of yourself, take pictures of things and people around you when you want to capture a moment. And take lots of pictures (which is one of the best advice this young lady here gave me). If it’s still hard, try keeping a small diary or calendar and write two or three bullet points every day. Like, just the name of a place you visited or some work you did or a book you read or a movie you watched. Any one or two or more highlights of the day but not in much words (hell, write even this. That you commented on this blog and about what).
      Alright. Now that I am done with my unsolicited advice, I am going to crawl back into the hole I came from.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I am so glad you came out from there when you did. Thank. And yesh I’m gonna start doing that now πŸ™‚ thenks!! (Also gonna mention you in the diary/calender entry heehee) πŸ˜„πŸ˜„

        Liked by 1 person

      2. This ‘young lady here’ is feeling so happy rn looking at this bc THIS IS THE BEST ADVICE EVER, where is your ted talk.
        Honestly, tho, I hardly take selfies either. But random pictures of people around you and places you’ve been to or just the sky or your food? That’s my entire camera roll.
        Also, the journal bullet point idea is πŸ‘ŒπŸ‘Œ.

        Like

  2. you got SO DEEP WITH THIS LOOK AT MY PHILOSOPHICAL CHILD.

    “i feel like i’m just existing.” – that hit me so hard, why are you bringing light to all these questions that i’ve been trying to keep dormant for the rest of my life.

    and the documentation thing, i didnt HAVE WORDS to explain how i feel but there’s a feeling you get when you look back on a really fond memory in the form of a photo or video and it just hits you like……what if i didnt have this picture/video?? what if this amazing memory was forgotten with the rest in my pit of a brain??

    but despite it all, growing up sucks and its something we all face (me having an existential crisis everyday since i turned like 19 and im still in denial bc i both look and act like a 12 year old, so what is anyone going to do about that??!!?)

    and with all that happening, its so important for you to know you aren’t running out of ‘time’ and there’s no deadline for happiness or success or personal acceptance and growth and no matter what your brain is telling you right now, you’re doing amazing sweetie.

    also what the frick i LOVE seventeen (and alessia cara) so much you sap monster

    Liked by 2 people

    1. every time you comment, i feel like screenshotting everything you say because clearly your word is law and im just here nodding vigorously because that’s what you’ve reduced me down to, you wild, wild 12 year old child.

      i’M SORRY for attacking you with all this truth but the way you deal with it is by nodding your head philosophically, saying “mood” and moving on (half of my online existence exposed right there).

      and omg, WHAT YOU SAID about the memory in a photo(!!) bc that= very true shit. documenting is v.v. important for someone like me, who once forgot to take her own bag and books to a study class (my mom still isn’t over that).

      awwwwww look at you throwing all that encouraging baggage at me, do you want me to cry out of sheer happiness, you fairy godblogger (i just made up that term and i am very proud of it).

      ofc you love seventeen. the universe wants me to love you even more *shrugs* and i can only agree.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I really relate to this omg πŸ™ˆI always have an existential crisis before my birthday (it was the worssst when I hit my 20s just because I was not/am not ready for that?!) But I love that our generation loves documenting things. I particularly love it because I have a terrible memory and would have NO idea I even existed a week ago if I didn’t blog lmao. Also I wonder if we are just really aware of how fleeting life is (especially with the state of the world???) and documenting the little things, the important things, the sweet things, is just even more important now. Maybe we just don’t want to be forgotten. And I think that’s totally ok!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. i can’t believe the blogging cake queen is on my blog. πŸ˜›
      i know right??? forgetting your existence if you don’t have to blog? i felt that, cait.
      i definitely, DEFINITELY think about my fleeting life, right between thinking about pizza and having an existential crisis. You know, the tiny lil joys of life.
      “documenting the little things, the important things, the sweet things, is even more important now”- pREACH omg. :’)

      Like

  4. Fuck. I can’t tell you how much I love this post and how much I love you for being so honest and just…you? I don’t even remember the last time I felt enough energy to comment on a post but this? This literally forced me to because I FELT it. I was dragged back to the time I turned 18 and how terrified I was of growing up and how in that fear of future, I didn’t even stop to think about the now. I love that you are doing all these documenting and making memories as you go because a few years later you are going to look back at all of these and think you were so entirely wrong about you merely existing because this isn’t existing, this is living and feeling and capturing so you can channel it when you need that feeling the most. Who cares about falling in love (which you will, I am sure. The epic kind. The Adrian and Sydney kind) or sword fighting or learning things when a walk in the woods with a friend or going to a concert of your favorite band is just as thrilling as all of those things combined? And who says you still can’t do any of those things? Who says you won’t grow up to be the best sword fighter in all of the world and save our asses when the zombie apocalypse actually happens?

    “it’s intensely comforting to know that my life until now isn’t just made up of events that happened and then were forgotten but also of times that are remembered and alive”. I am sorry but holy fuck, this!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I really, really don’t know what to say to you because you have *no idea* how much this entire comment means to me. I’m just rereading this constantly and trying not to cry bc girl. Thank you.
      Walk in the woods & concerts > zombie hunting & every other activity that would kill me in about two seconds. Speaking of Sydrian, everything you said is 100% Adrian approved. I can feel him nodding his head while sipping champaign or something.

      I’m never forgetting that sentence bc you quoted it and made me feel like I’m actually valid so :’)

      (I’m screenshotting this to come back to everytime I feel even remotely down about my existence, look what you’re making me do).

      Like

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