not being 19 anymore

let me begin by articulating my emotions in a meme

the world could be ending and i would still write a post on growing one year older. i did it when i was 16, 17, 18 and now i’m doing it as a 19 y/o. soon to be 20. like, literally, i’m turning 20 tomorrow.

this is what happens when you’re a nerd who physically needs to document her life for herself because it’s the only substantial evidence against time not flying by but holding its weight in memories and opinions and thoughts and pictures and videos.

i truly hate it here 😍

to put it demurely, 2020 was the soul sucking void that slowly drained me of any and all positivity i had left so by december i was feelin just a lil bit existentially insane πŸ’–πŸ’–

it started off great, tbh. i was living in the dorms, going out on weekends (mostly just staying in if we’re being honest), busy with academics and club activities and traveling to and from home. it was just the second semester of freshman year.

then march happened. i remember my friends and i were so thrilled about getting FiFteEn days off college because surely it’s not going to be more than that. we packed up our bags the same night.

i literally just took 40% of my dorm stuff and survived on like 3 pairs of pajama outfits for the rest of the year. it’s just been that kind of a year.

the worst part is, lockdown honestly didn’t even bother me for the longest time. it was a change in the regular schedule but it REALLY isn’t a bother for me to stay at home all the time and not meet people. <that's literally="" ideal="" nimika="" lifestyle.=""

what follows is everything getting progressively worse in every way possible in the coming months and me realizing i’m missing out on my college life and time and growing up and not achieving anything πŸ™‚

you know. as one does.

it got to that stage of lockdown where literally every day was like the last. i’d wake up, attend classes, procrastinate on assignments, avoid blogging, read books to distract myself from thinking. repeat.

at one point, i would literally look forward to my turn at doing the dishes because i could just listen to podcasts and not feel guilty about wasting time??

it got better towards the end. i met a few friends, grew out my hair, started working out and felt better about the overall situation.

now, i’m just filled with so much pent up energy to spend the new year doing as much as i can. i want to get internships and write more and blog more and watch more movies and spend more time with friends.

i’m going to get my driver’s license and a new camera and i’m going to probably also get a tattoo at some point and go back to living in the dorm and get out more. i want to plan out my future and be excited for it because it’s so much better than being scared.

when lorde just speaks my truth πŸ˜”

anyways let’s get to the part where we talk about how taylor swift saved this year

exactly taylor

i don’t think i’ve listened to any other artist for more than an hour since july when she released folklore. even though i feel extremely guilty saying this, i might even like evermore a LITTLE bit more than folklore. it’s been intense.

i also did this ->

the way my selection of books just got filtered to only romance the past couple of months has been very telling of my fragile emotional stability πŸ’–πŸ’–

in conclusion, to summarise being 19 in 2020:

8 thoughts on “not being 19 anymore”

  1. happy (early?) birthday !! 20 is a big number so…scary. i’ve missed your blog posts so much and congrats on surviving 2020!! i really hope this year will be full of creaivity, inspiration and all the goodness in the world!! also this post was extremely aesthetic and i loved all the photos πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 1 person

  2. happy early birthday!! ☺️ really enjoyed reading this post – honestly this whole post felt wayyy too relatable haha, all the way to Taylor being my top artist of 2020 and me having folklore + evermore on constant repeat :’) i was also in my 2nd semester of freshman year when quarantine first started in March, and wooowwww it’s been a wild ride from there :’) sending best wishes for 2021!


  3. AHHH HAPPY BIRTHDAY! When being late to a post works in your favor.
    Also, what are your favorite podcasts?? There were several days I went on super long walks so I could keep listening.
    ALSO also, oh my goodness, I’m so sorry I never got back to you about The Silence of the Bones. If your schedule permits at some point, I would still love to buddy read a book with you!!
    P.S. Okay, I just realized this could be completely missing the point, but I just wanted to tell you that for me, the meme at the beginning is into a blank space with a question mark. If that was your intention, please just ignore this.


  4. The way you’re able to so poetically describe this crappy year amazes me. Girl, you have a way with words!
    This line: “it’s the only substantial evidence against time not flying by but holding its weight in memories and opinions and thoughts and pictures and videos.” is absolutely beautiful.

    I’m sorry that 19 wasn’t your year. I’m sorry that you missed out of the college experience. But I’m happy that we became friends this year. I hope that whenever life is feeling tough or you’re feeling lonely you know you can reach out to me.

    I hope that being 20 years old in 2021 is everything you hoped for and more! I can’t wait to (hopefully) see more posts from you soon!


  5. the fact ribs by lorde spoke so much to me as a 14 year old and still to this day as a 20 year old πŸ™ƒ

    i do relate a lot to this pent-up energy and wanting to do as much as possible this year. i am the worst at taking pictures, but i really hope i can make it more of a habit this 2021, because i was the *worst* at documenting in 2020 (not that there was a lot to document anyway).

    i really hope that 2021 serves both of us better & that we enjoy being 20 more than we enjoyed being 19 lol


  6. omg Nim, turning 19 was truly an experience. Forgot that we were the same age there for a sec but twinning here. I think it’s safe to say that 2020 was a trainwreck. And we have such similar experiences (love that for us). I remember just being like okay cool longer vacation. And then it lasted 3 months. And kept going on. My course is actually still going to be online for almost half of this year which will be… interesting. But anyway, it was fine in the beginning but I think not knowing how to adjust left us in a rut because I’d also procrastinate and not blog. And read sporadically. It was just a time. Hopefully, 2021 can refresh us a bit,

    Lots of love and miss youuuuuu xoxoxoxoox


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